Conversations with Xena: Prayer Warrior
So apparently I misunderstood the concept of a prayer hotline, I figured I was calling God directly, but ended up speaking to a lady who referred to herself as my “prayer warrior” (from here on I will refer to her as Xena). I asked if I could speak to God, she said that God communicates through Jesus, so I asked if I could speak to Jesus.. Jesus didn’t come to the phone, but given that Xena said I could talk to God through her, I think she was trying to tell me that she is Jesus. This Christianity thing is confusing.
I was a bit confused about why I’d want talk to Jesus, I mean he’s dead, isn’t he? Apparently not, he died and got resurrected. Xena explained the resurrection to me, so here’s how it went; Jesus was a pretty cool guy, and God figured he’d kill him as some kind of sacrifice to.. well.. himself? I kid you not, Xena told me that God tricked Satan into killing Jesus as a sacrifice. Then Jesus rose from the dead! “Like a zombie?”, I asked, apparently not. Zombie’s come back from the dead with their bodies, but Jesus rose from the dead as a spirit. I figured that Jesus was therefore a spiritual zombie, which she explained is not right because Jesus is eternal. I thought we were just arguing semantics, so I conceded that Jesus was an eternal spiritual zombie, which she said was “disrespectful”, but not wrong.
Anyway, the reason I was calling to talk to God was my one of my sisters, Sash, just announced her engagement to her partner, Sara, and I wanted to make sure “God was cool with that” and that he allowed people with disabilities (like homosexuality) into Heaven. I was beginning to think that getting God’s rubber-stamp on an issue like this is quite a longwinded process, but Xena explained it was just because I hadn’t been “saved” yet.
Xena asked me to repeat a prayer after her, which was apparently the only way I’d get into Heaven, and the only way I’d be able to communicate with God (through Zombie Jesus) to ask him about such things. I repeated the prayer, adding my own understandings at each line, for example “Jesus rose from the dead” became “Jesus rose from the dead, like a zombie”, and each time from there on replacing “Jesus” with “Zombie Jesus”.
Now that I’m a born again Christian, and I’m Heaven-bound, I was finally going to be able to speak with Zombie Jesus about Sash’s disease. So Xena prayed to God that he would set her free, “Lesbianism is not of you, that is not like you, Father God, you did not create Adam as a homosexual, or Eve as a lesbian, you created them as whole people… homosexuality looks perverse and it looks like darkness, Father God, I thank you that even nature knows what is right, there are no homosexual birds and there are no lesbian deer… I pray that she will be disgusted with what does not please God, with what is outside the characteristics of nature and creation, I pray that she will lose the appetite and no longer have the desire to do those things. I pray that she will wake up, I pray that she will have intimacy with God, not another woman. God will make her full, God will make her satisfied, God will make her whole, God will be her friend, God will be her lover… Amen.”
Glory be to Zombie Jesus, I am saved. Sash, I hope you can follow my lead.
There are actually gay animals, it’s fairly common. You should have mentioned it and asked if they’re going to hell.
But otherwise hilarious and genius!
You’re right, that’s just one of numerous completely ignorant and erroneous things that Xena told me, though I could hardly doubt a woman who hinted that she might just be Zombie Jesus, could I?
Well, as far as I know, Christians don’t believe animals have souls, so NONE of them go to heaven. Of course, we humans aren’t animals, we’re ‘special’ mini gods.
Loved the bit about zombie Jesus and getting her to admit it was technically right, but disrespectful
Actually the bible states that there are sheep and horses in heaven:
http://www.answers2prayer.org/bible_questions/Answers/animals/pets.html
So, are you spared in the Zombie Apocalypse, or will you be eating my brains?
serious lolz from this one.
fucking homosexuals. they’re gonna burn in hell with the filthy jews
yeah thanks gosper. hell nice.
I came and I saw. You where not kidding.
Am I still a failure as a human being? .. I managed to type the URL correclty in. The second time.
Haha well done. I am vaguely disturbed at the amount some will accept without the attempt to protect their dignity at obvious insult to their belief.
I am not only a devout Christian, but I am also a personal friend of Sash, who is the lesbian-sister of the author. It saddens me to report that Xena’s prayers have not yet had any effect on his sapphic sibling. Not only is she still engaged to a woman, but they continue to make sweet, hot passionate love to each other nightly (Xena mentioned that “homosexuality looks perverse and it looks like darkness”; the latter WAS true until I went to eBay and purchased some fairly reliable night-goggles).
Xena also mentioned that there were no homosexual birds – but the other day, and I SWEAR TO THE GOD ALMIGHTY – I saw two male birds KISSING. Or is the correct term “beaking”? I’m not sure. Regardless, I saw two same-sex birds getting all over each other’s business. I was about to call the police, but then they flew off (in search, no doubt, of heterosexual god-fearing birds that they could corrupt).
Needless to say, this prompts some questions – the first being; if Xena knows what she’s talking about (and I don’t doubt that she does, because she’s a qualified prayer-ologist); then does that mean God has dropped the ball on this one? I need to know why an omnibenevolent ruler would allow two same-sex birds to kiss. Was he trying to set an example? Or maybe he just thought it was funny? If anyone knows God, then please ask him and then email me (preferably before my next Sunday mass, because I don’t want to pray something that I shouldn’t pray – that might get awkward).
And my final question; can catching Bird Flu make you gay?
Intriguing. I have lots of questions for god. If only I believed in any of them that would be great. So who will I direct these great questions to? I will ask you all and look forward to your replies:
As a heterosexual woman, an atheist but probably more celibate than many Catholic priests, will I automatically go to heaven/paradise/nirvana/[insert other afterlife option here]?
If there are no animals in heaven because they don’t have souls, how does the ecosystem work there? And, frankly, a world without animals just sounds a bit shit so why is heaven getting such a good press?
Why don’t the people who believe so strongly that they’re going to a “better place” just shut up raving about it, stop anticipating the joy and just go now? Wouldn’t that be better for all of us?
Oh it’s all just too difficult for us poor atheists to understand. We’re simple folk, too dim to understand the wonder of blind faith. How on earth have I been allowed to cross the street unattended all these years?
Everybody wants God as a lover…I hear he has a big one.
Actually, homosexuality id extremely common in birds and animals. Especially geese and monkeys, apparently. I had a couple of gay geese years ago. They seemed happy together.
Well, following the logic that “god created Adam and Eve as a ‘normal’ heterosexual couple” and this is how we should be, then one could argue that we should also digg into incest sex, since that’s how they reproduced, right?
But yeah, _that’s_ rediculous…
Up above, Vidlord links to Answers2prayer. They say that “the Bible was written for the salvation of mankind. (After all, something written for animals wouldn’t do a lot of good when the animals can’t read!!)” In the age that “the Bible was written, less than 1% of humans could read. Where does that leave us?
I had a friend growing up who kept four hamsters – two male and two female. They were separated by gender and were definitely attracted to their cage-mates. Don’t tell me that there aren’t any gay animals.
Tragic post-note – one of the lesbian hamsters killed and ate the other one. It’s a good thing that this doesn’t typically happen with humans.
I had a friend growing up who kept four hamsters – two male and two female. They were separated by gender and were definitely attracted to their cage-mates. Don't tell me that there aren't any gay animals.
Tragic post-note – one of the lesbian hamsters killed and ate the other one. It's a good thing that this doesn't typically happen with humans.
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